I haven’t written for a bit. To be honest, I have been entirely too caught up in my own mind to do so. Since I began writing, my goal has always been not to rant or ramble about my own struggles, but instead, to write about the lessons I’ve learned from them. In the last month, I haven’t been able to do that. I haven’t had anything good to say or anything positive to bring to your world, so I’ve just been silent.
Last night, Caz from https://invisiblyme.com/ reached out to me, knowing the bad time I’ve been having and it brought me to tears. While she’s probably really regretting doing so, LOL, I think that kindness she showed me probably finally brought me back to the place I need to be. So if you’re brave enough to keep reading, I promise you I’ll bring you to the lesson I’ve learned from all this.
As you may or may not know, I was planning my Daughter’s April 25th wedding and was cruising right along. Her Honeymoon shower was March 7th and I was looking greatly forward to it. Until my appointment with the OB/GYN the last week of February. In that appointment, he confirmed the suspicion of Endometriosis (yay another condition), but also informed me that the “cyst” that they had been monitoring since August was actually a tumor. And just like that, I spun into a tailspin I hadn’t really been expecting. It was decided that it wasn’t emergent enough to do the surgery before the wedding. But immediately after the wedding, I was scheduled for a full hysterectomy. He wouldn’t know, he said, if the tumor was cancerous until it was removed. Something I didn’t know-you can’t biopsy Ovarian tumors, because if it is cancer and you stick it with a needle, the cancer will spread internally.
With a Specialist coming from Boston to help, the surgery was scheduled for May 11th. She only comes from Boston to our area twice a month. That would allow us to still move forward with the wedding and have the surgery immediately after. I was grateful to have the wedding to occupy my mind until then.
After almost two weeks on the couch, on March 7th, the shower went off perfectly, but I was beginning to panic about this Coronavirus we were starting to hear about. I was becoming increasingly concerned that we were going to need to cancel/postpone the wedding. After speaking with all the vendors, it seemed as though I was overthinking it. No one had called them to discuss canceling and they really weren’t panicking.
Fast forward two weeks and the story had completely changed. With utterly broken hearts, on March 12th, the kids canceled their honeymoon (at my urging) and the following day, we announced the cancellation of the wedding. The engraved rings were sent back to the wedding ring manufacturer, personalized gifts returned and all the ready to go wedding decorations packed away.
Unbelievably, in some crazy weird, cherry on top, fashion-when we went to pick up the readied wedding gown, we found it destroyed…….stained, torn, unraveled embroidery and seams pulled out. It was some crazy sort of confirmation that we had made the right choice to cancel the wedding, because had we not, my Daughter would not have had a wedding dress.
From there, life just unraveled like the wedding dress embroidery. My Husband hurt his hip so badly, he was having trouble walking, my Parents and Aunt were quarantined and now, due to the Coronavirus, the Doctor’s office said they’ve canceled all surgeries (medically necessary or not) through the end of April. They will be determining May’s surgeries in the coming days, but it doesn’t look promising.
And that’s it. I’ve been in a tailspin since.
My Aunt is 93 and not well. My Mom has Dementia and day by day is slipping. The possibility is very real that Helen (Aunt) could be gone and my Mom not recognize me by the time the quarantines lift.
The wedding we were 100% ready for is not happening. After all the work, arguments, effort and excitement, it’s one big fat letdown, instead of watching my baby walk down the aisle.
Bri’s hip is so bad, it’s keeping him from doing pretty much everything, including my saving grace-walking the dogs. And all non-emergency Doctor’s appointments are canceled.
And now, not only do I have to live with knowing I have a tumor that’s growing. But now, I quite possibly cannot have surgery to have it removed. If it is cancer, not having it removed will make it that much harder to beat, once it finally is removed. It could possibly also mean the difference between life and death.
And what’s all over the news and social media feeds? People complaining about staying home. Stars are having “quarantine meltdowns”, people are fighting over food and brawling in Costcos and everywhere you turn, people are freaking out about how bored they are and how awful it is to stay home and stay away from people.
For real???? This is my life and most likely all of yours all. the. time.
24 hours a day. 7 days a week. 365 days a year. for the last 8 years. and for the rest of my life. This is the prison sentence that all of us with Chronic Illness live with. The very thing no one can handle, the “quarantine meltdowns” that have stars sobbing on Instagram is my entire life. Our entire life.
And so here I am.
I feel helpless.
But? So is everyone else!!! And that’s where I’ve finally come to feel a bit more grounded……..
Yes. What’s happening to everyone else is my day to day life. But it wasn’t always. When I first got sick, I felt much like all the other people now complaining do.
And. Things do totally suck…..
BUT. They could suck much worse.
My Parents and Aunt are safe and being well taken care of-their Assisted Living facility is doing an outstanding job of protecting them. If Massachusetts doesn’t totally lock down, we plan to drive there to wave to them through the windows.
The wedding and honeymoon postponement were heartbreaking. But. It has been rescheduled for May 1, 2021 and we still get to celebrate.
Bri is on a special leave from Verizon (BEST company EVER to work for) for the next 60 days to safeguard my health. And what’s more, he’s being paid.
The tumor. Well, I can’t lie. I’m still freaking out and trying to work to quiet my mind. We are furiously praying that the surgery won’t be canceled and are lining up our ducks to figure out what to do if it is.
These are unprecedented times. Clearly. And at the end of this long rant of a post (if you’re still reading) comes the moral of the story……sometimes, the strongest testament there is, is that of the human heart. Anger won’t help. Frustration breeds more frustration. Panic causes a loss of your senses. Instead, take a very deep breath or maybe 10. Be grateful for all you have. Hold your loved ones close. Snuggle your fuzzies. Call your kids and tell them you love them. Call your neighbor and offer to grab them some groceries.
There is literally nothing we can do to change the current circumstances of the world. So instead, change what’s in your heart and mind. It’s not easy. I promise you. But it’s much, much better than the alternative.
I will be posting positive and hopeful news and stories across my social media during this difficult time.
Please find me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FightingwithFibro/
Twitter: @FightingwithF and Instagram: fightingwithfibro1
I am thinking of you, praying for you and sending you strength, well wishes and the hope of health. Love Stace <3
ps thanks Caz. you’re one in a million